As Books came together, I marveled at the number of contributors who chose to share books that profoundly affected their lives-books that somehow changed them. It's reminder of the unique, subjective joy of reading, and of the ways that we experience the books we come to value. Mark Warren's writes about Nausea, the book he can never forget.
Nausea
Jean-Paul Sartre
1938
When I told a friend
that my subject for this essay was Jean-Paul Sartre's first novel, Nausea, he made a noise of disgust-a
quick, sharp exhale through his teeth-and said, "Nausea. The very essence of pretension." Then (get this) he said
he'd never even read it, and asked me what it was about.
I told him it was
about my hometown.
To be clear, I did
not grow up in Bouville, the fictional coastal town where Sartre sets Nausea, nor did I grow up in Le Havre,
the town on the English Channel in northwest France where Sartre was teaching
when he wrote the novel, and I certainly didn't grow up in Paris, where Sartre
lived the rest of the time. I grew up on the Texas Gulf Coast, in a flyspeck of
a redneck town called Highlands. And I went to high school and then a junior
college named after Robert E. Lee in the nearby industrial town of Baytown,
where Exxon operates one of the largest-capacity oil refineries in the world.
Wherever you are in Baytown, you can look up and see a refinery in just about
any direction. Discharge torches ten stories high burn off excess chemicals
from the refining processes, and storage tanks, like giant hatboxes, are strewn
across the land as far as the eye can see. A sign with a giant Exxon tiger
counts the days since the last fatal accident. As I grew up, the Plant, as it
is simply known, dominated life in that town, and say what you will about
particulate pollutants released into the atmosphere, those chemicals do make
for dazzling sunsets. The novelist Paul Auster once washed up in Baytown as a
merchant marine and would later describe a "sad and crumbling little place."
And mister, you don't
know anything about the very essence of pretension until you've sold cable TV
door-to-door in a Baytown, Texas, summer.
I guess you could say
my heart wasn't really in cable sales. But my schedule was otherwise fairly
free at the time, this being the summer of 1980. I was seventeen and had almost
no sense of the future and no idea of the outside world, just a gnawing, vague,
deep unhappiness.
And then one ordinary
day I found this book.
There was this guy in
a beat-up white van who would come to pick me up every evening and drop me off
with my list of names and addresses in the sad hope of selling folks on cable
and earning a meager commission. Name was Ben Webber. He'd leave me in a
different neighborhood every day. I hated selling, and to tell the truth, I
actually just liked driving around with Ben, who was interesting to talk with,
sort of a stranger in a strange land. By Baytown standards, Ben and his brother
Will and father Barney made for a truly weird family. That they all seemed to
speak a bunch of languages and took in Amir, an Iranian student who somehow
found himself studying at Lee College, definitely marked the Webbers as
something unusual. We had a small going-away party when Carter deported all
those students during the hostage crisis. Fearing he'd be killed if he returned
to Iran, Amir was headed to Madrid, and seemed to be relieved to be getting out
of Baytown. I remember being envious.
So Ben and I were
driving around one day before my shift, past pawn shops and gun shops and ice
houses, on a road that took us right through the heart of the Plant, and I
absentmindedly popped open the glove box, pulled out a paperback, and started
reading:
"Something has
happened to me, I can't doubt it any more. It came as an illness does, not like
an ordinary certainty, not like anything evident. It came cunningly, little by
little; I felt a little strange, a little put out, that's all . . . And now
it's blossoming . . .
"For instance, there
is something new about my hands, a certain way of picking up my pipe or fork.
Or else it's the fork which now has a certain way of having itself picked up, I
don't know . . ."
From then on I was
hooked. I slipped the book into my bag-stole it, actually (sorry, Ben, that's
where your book went)-went home that night and read until I had finished the
entire saga of Antoine Roquentin, who in diary form was recording the
dissolution of his mind. He called it a "sweetish sickness," this nausea that
came over him in waves as he became increasingly and acutely aware of his
existence, and of the ominous indifference of the physical world, and as the
regular things-objects, routines, women-that he had once clung to for meaning
began to fail him.
I couldn't sleep that
night. I felt hopped up on this new discovery, and was aware that this was
something very special, a bulletin from the wide world telling me I was not
crazy, I was not alone. Its effect was almost narcotic. A book - a book! - shot me through with a joy so
pure. I would read for a while, mispronouncing all the French words, and then
stop and just look at the physical book, turning it over in my hands, make a
pot of coffee, read some more. This guy Sartre knew what he was talking about.
Surely he had been to Baytown.
I did not know what
existentialism was; I had never heard the word, and I couldn't even pronounce
it. I had no school of thought, nor the vocabulary, to explain why this book
mattered to me, why it moved me. It just did. It jangled something that I
already had inside, put words to a feeling that comes with discouraging
regularity, whether you're in coastal France or coastal Texas. Or, you know,
all the places in between.
It is not
exaggerating in the slightest to say that this book changed my entire outlook
on life and how to live it. I would read Nausea
every summer for about fifteen years, the same torn and ragged paperback. The
purloined copy is the only copy I have ever owned, and it occupies a special
place on my shelf. I still pick it up every now and again, still mispronouncing
all of the French. But now when I read it, I visualize Roquentin not at a café
or boarding house in Bouville, Le Havre, or Paris. Instead, he lingers at the
Waffle House, loiters at the half-empty mall, and in the evenings retreats back
to a trailer parked in a cow pasture.
It feels somehow more
accurate.
Mark Warren
Executive Editor, Esquire